Apology

Very strange, after vipassana, something very different that is going on with me. Is ok, will just go will the flow. One thing for sure, this person came into the picture. A long lost friend.

The way we met was quite unique as we knew each other through internet. During my college time, other than studying, sing K, one of the favorite activity was to get to know new friend through internet. Honestly, i met quite a number of guys from internet, but none of them last for long. Not mention about any special relationship, but just a simple friendship. But there was one exceptionable.

He called himself as James, 1 year younger than me and what connected us so much is because we have same BIRTHDAY. Ever since then, our birthday will never be forgotten..hahahaha....

We were quite close where he used to dropped by my house and spend times together, as a friend, nothing beyond that for sure. So, my housemates know him as well and we also used to hang out.

One of the afternoon, happened that he was at our house and i was not home yet. My housemate just let him in while waiting for me to be home. I remembered very clearly that i put a note of RM50 on our coffee table at the dining hall and it was missing after that. I discovered it only in the evening when James went back home. I was so pissed off that the note was missing and was very disappointed with him. I am very sure that the note was there the night before.

I didn't confront him but the hatred and disappointment that i had towards him overtook me. I was that kind of person that if i am angry and disappointed, i will try whatever ways to get rid of that person from my life, waste no more time in this friendship. I was very sure of decision of letting go this friendship as there was no trust anymore. But still, i didn't confront him. I kept it to myself and very sure that he was the one who took the money. Slowly, i stopped talking to him, ignored him. He was puzzled at that time and did not what has happened. After a while, we lost contact. He got to know from a friend of my friend about the missing note. He didn't come forward and explain or confront me as well. So, that was how the friendship ended.

After few years, he came to my office. He knew where i work and he just dropped by to say hi. Honestly, i don't feel any anger but don't feel really comfortable about the sudden meet up. I didn't how to react or behave, so i just talk for a while and kept myself busy with work. So, he left. Ever since then, we never meet again. I knew that he is staying nearby but we never bump into each others. It was more of the discomfort feeling than anger that i have, so i was reluctant to bump into him.

After so long, this long lost friend suddenly came into my mind. Never in my life that i have treated anyone that i know the way i treated him. Suddenly i thought of meeting up this long lost friend. For sure, anger and disappointment are not there, it is more of confronting my ego and my ignorance. I have to accept and confront how ignorance i was. But now, i am ready to face it. As the process of growth, it will be part of the learning. Without expecting he will forgive or what the reaction will be, i just feel that i need to apologize. Apologize of my ignorance. Even though the missing note is still a mystery, who knows, may be i was the one who kept it and i have forgotten and there are many possibilities. I learn to know that things in life, there are many possibilities, anything could happen. Birth and Death, it could happen at the same moment. Anything could happen, anything.

So, i texted him yesterday and asked him out for lunch. This was the conversation:

Kee  : James
James: Hihi, how r u?
Kee   : I am fine
James: suddenly msg me?
Kee   : Free to come out for lunch? Scary ler, suddenly text u
James: I never scared at all
Kee  : hahaha
James: I m always waiting for ur msg
Kee   : ohh..
James: U mean now meet up?
Kee   : Of coz No
Kee   : Then u must be very patient ..waiting for years
James: Ya. U r still in my mind
           So, you still work at the same company
Kee   : I am still the same old me
James : I wish u always happy with ur life

So, today he came and fetched me at my office. He didn't change much in person but when i looked at him, he looks happy, which is good!  I told him the main purpose of meeting up is to apologize. He denied of what was happening and he said there was nothing. I told him "YES, there was". I told him everything that happened and even told him that i know he knew about it. Then he said he didn't keep in his heart and there is no apologize needed. Anyhow, what to be said and done still need to be, as the main purpose is not getting forgiveness from him, but to do what suppose to be done and say what suppose to be said.

He said it will be good that if i confronted him instead of keeping it to myself. I told him, that was me. Keeping every feeling to myself, especially unhappiness. But it never too late to change the old habit after all.

When we are moving towards the path of growing and change the old habit pattern of the mind, to understand the truth and come out from suffering, we need to confront our ignorance, ego and learn to be free from hatred, anger, disappointment, frustration etc etc. Every person that came into our life, do play an important role in our growth. Whether is nice or bad person, pleasant or unpleasant incident, it counts.

The apology is not more of APOLOGIZING and expecting forgiveness, but it to allow us to let go our ego and accept how ignorance we were. Confronting and letting go ego and ignorance are not something to practice, but it more of how to face it and stays equanimity with it. Learning to accept that everyone has the past, whether the past is good or not, any action or decision that we have done, whether we are happy with it or regretted, learning to accept is always the first step to take in order to move forward and grow.

When our heart fill up with LOVE and COMPASSION, everything is possible, including apologizing, forgiving, confronting and letting go, as we know what we are doing and we are very clear of what and why we are doing it. At the end, what is the outcome of our action, there will be no different, no judgement, no expectation. Thus, no disappointment, no frustation, no regret, no suffering.

Be happy.